Friday, February 7, 2014



“Slut”……….. Oh that’s Jimmy; he’s not very nice, I try to keep him under control as much as I can.  Every once in a while he gets the best of me and shouts out what he wants.
“Pussy fucking bitch”……….. Carl; Great, I guess they are all going to start up now…….

I’ve been on medication for so long I can’t remember a time I wasn’t.  The voices started when I was five my mom said.  I’m not sure she’s right; I never remember a time without the voices. Jimmy’s saying she’s a “fucking stupid bitch”. I learned how to talk by listening to the voices.  My mom and Dad were very surprised by my first spoken words.

I’m always in trouble at school; I’ve learned to try to cover up what the voices want to say.  They get really mad when I clinch my teeth and don’t let them have their say.

Ellen is very religious; I don’t mind letting her have her voice for a while.  Sometimes she’s so funny she gets excited spouting her religious stuff she starts to stutter; I can’t help but bust up laughing.  Jimmy, Carl, sometimes even Sally will try to shout over the top of her and use their dirty words.  I do my best to jam my teeth together and let them scream their heads off but not udder any of their fowl words.

Sometimes Jimmy and Carl will come up with an idea that they talk about until I’m just so worn out listening to them talk about it I’ll just do anything to stop them yammering on.  Like when we killed the neighbor’s yappy little dog; I thought all the talking and talking, arguing about it would never end, I finally couldn’t just stand it anymore and said “Ok, Ok let’s just just do it, I’m tired of hearing about it.”  I snuck into the neighbors yard and the little fucker ran right up to me, even stopped barking for just a second.  Jimmy started yelling “Choke the fucker, choke him!” but James my savior with  his calm deep voice told me to pick up the two by four and hit the little fucker on the head, which I did.  James deep southing voice told me to continue; my arms got so tired I could barely lift the heavy piece of wood.  It smelled so bad; James talked to me and told me to just listen to his voice and let Jimmy and Carl take care of their work.  We dug a nice deep hole with Mrs. Fischer’s hand hoe and even put a couple flower bulbs over our work.  I really liked the way James told me to finish up the job.

Here lately Jimmy, Carl and Brian are all talking about getting rid of Mom.  They say she’s lived past her usefulness.  I tell them she’s my Mom; what are you talking about her usefulness, I love her and need her.  They say she’s getting in the way of us coming into our own, doing what we want; becoming what we were meant to be.  I don’t understand them.  I’ll ask James what he thinks; he’s my calm southing soul mate.
I’ve been trying to talk to Ellen about this, but she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me.  I’m working as hard as I can to shush the talk.  James will only say that change is in the works.  I don’t know what that means.  I go to school, I see my counselor, my shrink, but I just don’t know what to think.

We are out of school for a snow storm; Jimmy says it’s “fucking great, party on” Carl is Carl and says “We should party and kill the nah Sayers” whatever that means.  Ellen has returned and is mumbling her bible verses.  I’m just so tired of them all, I just want to sleep.  I’m pushing James hard to explain what I should do.  He says that we are at a cross roads and that change is in the air.  I don’t know what that means but I’m fed up with my little brother getting into my things.  With the snow storm we are all a happy little family together in this little house; we need to make some room.  I’m getting pissed off with everyone telling me what to do; what not to do.  Jimmy says we should “kill them, kill them all”.  Carl is talking in languages that I just don’t understand.  I just don’t know what to think but they are all getting on my nerves; even Ellen’s preaching is saying the damned should be burned and the forsaken should something?  I don’t know.
James says we need to make some changes.  He says that change will make us strong; we need to work together and be one.  Jimmy and Carl are all in.  Even Brian and Ellen are making sounds as though we should work together and silence the nah Sayers.   They mean Mom, Dad and Scott my little butt face brother.

I can’t do this.  James says to let Jimmy, Carl and Brian do the work; just let them take over and everything will fall into place.  I don’t want to hurt my mom; she’s been there for me so many times.  She cares for me; Dad and Scott don’t care that I have problems; they feel that my problems hurt the family and cause them all kinds of grief. I’ve heard Dad talking on the phone telling one of his friends that he can’t do this or that because I’m having one of my problems.  Well he’s about to have a problem. Jimmy says he’s going to get what he deserves; I hope he’s right.

James says I should move on them while they are sleeping; I think this is the right time to act.  Jimmy is driving me crazy with his shouting “Kill them, hack them to pieces, kill them” Even Carl is now ranting to Kill them.  I’ve talked to Ellen and she just repeats her sermon that “Damn be thy ones that lay burden on touts who strive to free ones of impendence of servitude” I think she means the rules that have been forced on me by my parents.  I’ve got to be free; free to evolve into what I’ve been meant to be.  I have power; power to break the bonds that hold me.  I must be free; Jimmy is shouting at the top of his lungs “Kill the holders of powers; the power is in your hands, make us free!”

I can’t do this alone; James will calm my nerves, he will guide me.  I squash Jimmy and Carl; even Brian I force to be silent.  I pray Ellen will help me in my hour of action.  It’s two o’clock in the morning and I hear my family sleeping in their rooms; this is the hour to free us from their tyranny.  I ask James to be with me as I move silently from my room towards that of my brothers.  James tells me to release control to Jimmy and Carl and just listen to his voice; just like with the neighbor’s dog.  I stand at the threshold of a new beginning James says; open the door and let Gods work be done says Ellen.

My hand trembles on the door knob; slowly twisting, releasing myself to Jimmy and Carl.  They take over with glee.

From the Ramblings


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